Life on Heroic: Living with Undiagnosed Neurodivergency

The Unseen Battles in Neurodivergent Experiences

Jun 22, 2024

Even if you aren’t a gamer, you’re probably aware that most games offer a range of difficulty settings, typically in the form of easy, normal, hard, and heroic (or some other term to that effect) in ascending order of challenge level.

I use this preface to explain what living with undiagnosed neurodivergency is like. Of course, everyone in life has their struggles, and I wouldn’t say that anyone’s life is necessarily on easy mode. Most people, statistically speaking, would probably rate their life’s difficulty level as normal. You’ve got your issues, sure, but overall, you’re able to make it work through determination, effort, and struggle.

Like other people, I’ve had my struggles, and I also thought my life’s difficulty was perhaps rated from normal to hard. So, if that was the case, why was I struggling so much more than other people in similar circumstances?

“I’m on Normal, Right?”

Living with undiagnosed neurodivergency is like playing a game on heroic difficulty while everyone else is playing on normal — but you don’t know that, and they don’t know that. You think you’re on normal too, and so people ask why you’re dying all the time, or why you’re stuck on a boss, or why playing so carefully.

“It’s so easy! Why are you struggling so much? Everyone else can do it!” they tell you. Your parents don’t understand why you struggle with things that other kids find easy. They compare you to others: “See Kimmy over there? She can do it, so why can’t you? You just need to try harder!”

Your coaches and teachers also sense that something is off about you, even if they can’t put their finger on it. They view you as quirky at best and lazy or even disrespectful at worst.

Your friends, if you’re lucky enough to have any, also sense that there is something off about you — or perhaps they don’t, because they’re like you: undiagnosed neurodivergents just trying to survive in a neurotypical world.

And indeed, you look around and everyone else seems to get it, so clearly you must be the issue, right?

You Must Be the Problem

After years, if not decades of hearing the same refrains over and over again, you decide that you must be selfish, incompetent, or lazy — or perhaps even all of the above because you can’t make things work where other people always seem to be able to.

Other people can make friends easily, so why can’t you? Other people find navigating the complex social reality of middle school, high school, college, and beyond with ease, so why can’t you? Other people can network, find jobs and partners with only a bit of trouble, so why can’t you? Other people can figure out what they’re doing with their lives, so why can’t you? Other people can socialize for hours and hours every day at their job and never feel drained or depleted, so why can’t you? Other people can make eye contact with people consistently, so why can’t you?

Other people find changing habits not necessarily easy but doable, whereas you have to put in Herculean efforts to make even small, beneficial changes to your life or routines. Other people can say they’re doing something and then do it, whereas you’ll have to struggle for months to implement necessary changes — even those you know are good for you in the long term. Other people can do “simple” things with ease whereas you end up drained and depleted doing the exact same tasks.

Why can’t you just figure it out? What’s wrong with you?! You just need to work harder! You just need to try harder! You just need to be better! Stop being lazy! Stop being selfish! Stop being stupid!

But What if You’re On Heroic?

What if I told some of you (statistically speaking, some of the people reading this post will also be on the spectrum) that the reason you’re struggling so much is because you’ve been playing on heroic difficulty this whole time? The reason things seemed easy — or at least, easier — to other people is because it actually was easier for them? That they don’t have the same struggles with socialization and relationships that you do? That they don’t spend hours scripting conversations, or ruminating over social interactions, or trying to muster up the willpower just to brush their teeth?

It’s apparently not normal to have so much anxiety over every social interaction you have. It’s not normal to worry about how your face might appear to others, if you’re expressing the right amount of anger or sadness or happiness. It’s not normal to carefully consider the words with which you choose to express yourself in the hopes that others might not misunderstand or misinterpret your meanings or motivations. It’s not normal to carefully consider when you should look someone in the eyes, or when you should look away, or if it’s okay to look away.

Realizing You’re on Heroic

So, you’ve spent your whole life thinking you’re on normal, and you finally realize you’re on heroic. After immense struggles and failures and repudiations in your life, you finally understand why things that are seemingly easy for others aren’t for you: many things actually were more difficult for you than the average person.

Furthermore, you were always justified in expressing your frustration, anger, or sadness in those situations, even if you were called stupid or selfish or lazy for it. You were right in your perception that things were fundamentally more difficult for you than they were for other people; other people simply didn’t have the capacity to understand or recognize it.

However, learning and understanding that you’re on heroic mode also means accepting that you can’t change the settings. You can’t swap to easy, normal, or even hard. Worse yet, other people still won’t understand because they’ve never known or experienced anything else other than normal, so you can’t even explain it in a way that they can comprehend. To them, you’ll always be that person who’s struggling with the “simple things” in life.

But now you know the truth, and as the saying goes, “Life doesn’t get easier; you just get stronger.” For us late-diagnosed autistics, the task is learning how to not only survive but thrive on heroic… and it’s not easy.

Thanks for Reading!

Thanks for taking time out of your busy day to spend some time with me! I encourage all of my readers to RISE (Reflect, Improve, Strengthen, & Evolve) with me because healing is a lifelong journey — it’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it. You are loved, cherished, and valued. Don’t ever let anyone ever convince you otherwise.

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